Strangely, I feel more disconnected than ever, even though in a time when “connecting” is all we do. Perhaps I could contribute the feeling to a year huddled for days on end in our basement home with rather little personal interaction. Of course there was always a phone or email nearby to touch base with old friends, but the anxiousness to discover where life would move us next kept me secluded and in waiting. Simple honesty would say that 2014 was rough, and I gladly welcome the new year with open arms. It has already brought rather unexpected, humbling change, of which I’d love to share with you soon, but for now, back to that whole social connectivity thing. Here’s my dilemma…

Surely, I enjoy posting an Instagram photo here and there and blogging a few sporadic thoughts, albeit, with rather long pauses inbetween. Though most of the time, I feel guilty for not consistently interacting in the social media scene. Does liking someone’s post or commenting on a photograph mean that social aptitude lends to a better emotionally connected person? Certainly we associate a person’s social interaction with not only their willingness to be known, but desire to connect and know others. I can’t deny the element of truth in that, not only because it’s what we presume, but because people genuinely do use social media to connect to and care for others. Of course if that’s the case in full, then I am regrettably a horribly distant person! Therein lies this guilt of being a relationally dry, uncaring individual. Combine that weight with the fact that I’m living out of boxes in a basement, working only a part time job, musical endeavors on hold and a looming sense of failure, and my sense of worth is all but dried up, particularly with such heaviness on our ability to socially connect, and in a season where I feel I have nothing to share.  (hello, life saga overload!)

I received the most lovely of compliments recently. Jordan and I were at the home of friends sharing a meal they had so graciously prepared, and at one point they mentioned not even knowing what kind of phone I had. They appreciated how when I was with them, I was fully engaged in the conversation rather than spending much of the time staring at my phone, as a guest in their home had done only a few days prior. The guilt of being socially [media] awkward freely faded away in that moment. My Instagram was sparse, no recent blog to my name, and my like button barely hit, and yet I was thanked for being socially present.

So it seems the line in the sand has been drawn; it’s not about being socially “there” in one way, but in every way that matters. I must admit that I still long to be better on both fronts, whether picking up the phone and chatting with a friend far more often, plentiful and intentional coffee dates while my phone sits untouched, or sharing in little, or big, moments on social mediums. I can’t diminish the value of social anything, as long as it leads effectively to letting others feel known and humbling myself to giving others a glimpse into my own life… even if that life is coming from a little known musician waiting in the basement.